This was the prompt for Sometimes Sweet journal day #5.
|Murray taking his last car ride before the car seat was installed.|
To tell you the truth, right now I can't say I have any major challenges. I think I might be on a "baby high" and I'm pretty much nesting and looking forward to Ellies arrival.
I think my biggest challenge right now might be deciding if I should have an active birth or instead get an epidural. I'm not going to pretend that I think a "natural" childbirth is better than any other type of birth. I know an epidural won't have much of an effect on Ellie, if at all, but I wonder if I would be missing out on something if I didn't just go with the flow. I've had a couple of friends who have done it all natural and they both agreed it wasn't as bad as they expected. I also know that I've never done this before, so I probably shouldn't rule out getting something that would make it easier on me!
I don't have much information on active child birth and the Bradley Method class that my hospital offers isn't really an option this late in the game. I'm afraid that if I don't make a committed decision that I will end up chickening out, getting an epidural and regretting it later. But would I really regret it? Would I even really care as long as Ellie is healthy?
My dad gave me some good advice when we were visiting California for Christmas. He told me that lots of people focus too much on "The Event" and forget that the most important thing is what happens after the event. Like focusing all your attention on the details of your wedding and freaking out over something silly, like candle holders, instead of enjoying your day. I've read a bunch of birth stories on different blogs and I recall one that kind of bothered me... I wouldn't link to it even if I remembered which blog it was, because I don't want to say that her feelings are wrong or don't matter, but I really felt like she was ungrateful. She wanted so badly to have a natural home birth but ended up needing a C-section instead. The poor woman said she failed her spouse and failed her baby! I couldn't help thinking how ridiculous that sounded. The baby doesn't care and I'm positive her spouse was just happy to have a healthy baby and wife. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I've also read a ton of other blogs where women almost lost their babies. Babies that ended up in the NICU for months and babies born way too early. I feel like even though I have an idea of what my ideal birth experience would be, I also don't want to get married to the idea. Things change and you never know what could happen or what you will want in that moment. Getting my hopes up over something could just end up in a bad experience. I really want to enjoy as much of it as possible.
I really don't have much of a conclusion, but in doing some research I discovered an excerpt from an interview with Ani Difranco, who happens to be one of my heros since the age of 15. I'm pretty inspired by this lady!
‘(by taking drugs) women are numbed through their great moment of revelation. I believe the act of giving birth to be the single most miraculous thing a human being can do and it is surely the moment when a lot of women finally understand the depth of their power and connection to all of nature. You think it can’t possibly be done, you think you can’t possibly take the pain, and then you do — and afterward you look at yourself in a whole new way. If you can do that, you can do anything.’ (Excerpted from a March 7, 2008 interview published in Venus Zine)
Would I miss out on my moment of revelation?